|Greg Biggenhair:||Indiana has been designated a 'battleground state' for the 2004 elections. This announcement comes after Republicans and Democrats became entangled in a sixteen hour firefight near the statehouse. The casualty numbers have risen steadily with a reported fifty-six Democrats dead, and eight Republicans. Analysts say that the disparity is because "Just look who has the guns, idiot." There have also been reports of enthusiastic bystanders cheering on the violence and sometimes killing politicians from both sides for being politicians. We here at GBS news cannot condone violence in any form, but is there anything funnier than a dead politician?|
In other news, Libertarians have annihilated the entire Green Party, much to the delight of absolutely everyone. We go now to Tinga Ling, in the Libertarian War Room. Tinga?
|Tinga:|| Yes Greg, I'm standing here with Libertarian candidate and revolutionary commander Jim Hubert. Jim, what caused the Libertarian Party to declare all-out war on the Green Party?|
|Jim:|| Well, Tinga, we weren't going to get involved in the partisan politics at first. We frankly disagree with much of what both major parties espouse, and were not bothered that they were killing each other off. However, when we saw a group of Greens getting ready to drop a few armloads of Molotov cocktails on the Republican strong point on the right side of the statehouse, we realized that we didn't have a choice but to step in. Republicans have never been our best friends, but ... I mean ... at least they're not Democrats, right?|
|Tinga:|| I see. Who made the choice to pursue the surviving Green party members and exterminate them?|
|Jim:|| I believe Sergent Conan Spizwowski made that decision.|
|Tinga:||And why did he do it?|
|Jim:|| I'd better let him answer for himself.|
|Conan:|| What is good in life? To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women. Also ... they're the Green party.|
|Tinga:|| Was it truly necessary to salt the earth wherever one of them fell?|
|Jim:|| Yes, Tinga. It was an ironic statement intended to destroy everything the Greens believed in. Instead of fertilizing the soil, their corpses will lie forever in bare, infertile ground.|
|Tinga:|| Ah ... I think all this pot is getting to me, 'cause that actually made since. Back to you, Greg.|
|Greg:||Thanks, Tinga. Nightbeat reporter Margie Onthespot joins us with Hauptsturmfuhrer Tim Nicholson of the Republican Guard. Margie?|
|Margie:|| Thank you Greg. Hauptsturmfuhrer ...|
|Tim:|| Call me Tim, please.|
|Margie:|| Tim, what started the hostilities today?|
|Tim:|| Well Margie, the Democrats incited a riot in the statehouse parking lot. They had about a dozen of their toughs roughing up some poor, defenseless Republican interns on their way to work. The Republican Party keeps a team of Fallschrimjäger on hand, so we sent them to deal with the toughs and before we knew it, they were fighting an entire platoon of Democrats. We launched a full counteroffensive and have been pushing them back ever since.|
|Margie:|| There you have it. Back to you, Greg.|
|Greg:|| We contacted the office of Serzhant Vladamir Vostrikov, of the Soviet-Democrat insurgency group, but he was unavailable for comment. Aides did tell us that his forces would cleanse the American heartland of the Capitalist pigs.|
Lawmakers in Washington have condemned the violence in Indianapolis. The Senate passed resolution 15239 saying in part that "[...] Republicans and Democrats are more similar than different. We urge the soldiers on both sides to put down their arms and join together in the spirit that formed this great nation - the spirit of compromise." They went on to congratulate the Libertarians for destroying the Green Party, but mentioned that "[...] this won't change anything - we still hate you for your 'partisan politics' pun."
And now for a look at weather.